I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
