You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
