i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
