You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
