Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He shit in the fireplace
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
