I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
