I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
