Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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