So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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