so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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