I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
