rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
