Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
