i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
