Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
