I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I didn't notice because vodka
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
