tell your sister to shave her snatch
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
