Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my liver is dry heaving
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
