at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
