Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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