i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
