Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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