You're so nebulous sometimes
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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