Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
