John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
