I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
