Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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