I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
