The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
