in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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