friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
