I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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