Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
