Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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