i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
