if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
