I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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