This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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