i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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