Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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