got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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