Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I want to fling myself into the sun
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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