A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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