I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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