I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
