dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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