Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
