chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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