How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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