everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
