she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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