I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
