I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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